Random harlot generation table in AD&D Dungeon Master's Guide
GenCon Indy approaches, and so I'm not posting much. I hear D&D co-creator Gary Gygax will be at the convention this year. If I run into him, I want him to autograph one of the most ridiculous pieces of gaming weirdness ever to make it into a mainstream AD&D publication. I'm speaking, of course, about the infamous random prostitute generation table in the 1st Edition Dungeon Master's Guide . That book included a random encounter table for cities; "Harlot" is one of the entries. Here is the Harlot entry, reproduced in facsimile for your delectation: Sadly, subsequent editions of the Dungeon Master's Guide lack such useful prompts to the imagination. Dungeon Masters are now forced to improvise descriptions of harlots, should such be encountered by an adventuring party. Unless, of course, the Dungeon Master owns a copy of the 1st Edition DMG or is lucky enough to see this blog post. In the interest of fairness and gender equality, this table should
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uteris et Veneri servit amica manus,
hoc nihil esse putas? scelus est, mihi crede, sed ingens,
quantum vix animo concipis ipse tuo.
nempe semel futuit, generaret Horatius ut tres
Mars semel, ut geminos Ilia casta daret.
omnia perdiderat si masturbatus uterque
mandasset manibus gaudia foeda suis.
ipsam crede tibi naturam dicere rerum:
'Istud quod digitis, Pontice, perdis, homo est.'
-Martial, Epigrams 9.41
This translation owes somethign to that of Poldy... but not everything, because I can't find Poldy's translation right now ;)
Ponticus, the fact that you never fuck, but use your left hand as a concubine
and your girlfriend-hand serves Venus--
do you think that this is no big deal? It's a crime, believe me, and a huge one at that,
so big that even you can hardly conceive it in your mind.
I mean, Horatius fucked just once to father three,
and Mars just once, to give chaste Ilia twins.
Either of them would have ruined everything if he had masturbated,
and entrusted his shameful pleasures to his own hands.
You had better believe that it is Nature herself that tells you:
"That mess which you waste on your fingers, Ponticus, is a human being."