Filling in an egregious omission
Question: Paul Simon has a song called “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” but he only gives us three or four (“Get off the bus, Gus” “Get a new plan, Dan” “Drop off the key, Lee”) which is a bit disappointing given the title. Any help? I’ve got some boyfriend issues to be dealing with here. Don’t let me down! —Diana R.
Answer: Diana, we feel your pain. Simon’s song, from 1975’s Still Crazy After All These Years, quotes some mysterious woman as saying there must be 50 ways to leave your lover, allowing lazy songwriter Simon to only offer five ways in the chorus: to “slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don’t need to be coy, Roy; hop on the bus, Gus; just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”
But what about escape routes for the world’s homosexual Daves? The world’s distraught Margos and emotionally damaged Bills? No worries, relationship-haters, this Non-Expert is happy to help fill the gap ol’ Rhymin’ Simon left 30 years ago (with generous help and cocktails from his fellow editors Andrew Womack and Kate Schlegel).
They go on to list the 45 ways Simon omitted
. Here's a sample (warning: gruesome and probably not work safe):
45. Push him out a tree, Bree
44. Feed her to a shark, Mark
43. Harvest his kidney, Cindy
42. Make him all porous, Doris
41. Feed him some ricin, Tyson
40. Get kvetchin,’ Gretchen
39. Chop off his organ, Morgan
38. Throw her down a gorge, George
37. Punch her with an awl, Paul
(HT: James on Facebook