Wednesday, May 30, 2007

INTRODUCING BOFU: THE ALL-BEEF TOFU SUBSTITUTE!


I Can't believe it isn't soy!

Image from here
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What is BOFU(TM)?

BOFU(TM) is a product that looks, tastes, and feels exactly like regular tofu, but is made from 100% beef.

Why BOFU(TM)?

When you want to enjoy a dish that calls for tofu, but want to avoid the feminizing qualities of soy products and the hippie, tree-hugging, blue-state liberal associations that come with tofu, BOFU(TM) is the product for you.

For some time now, vegetarians have been able to enjoy traditional meat dishes by using vegetable-based substitutes like veggie burgers, Quorn, and tofu. But meat lovers have been unable to enjoy traditional tofu dishes (like mapo dofu) without sullying their carnivorous reputations by consuming a sissy food like tofu. This culinary unbalance has been a form of discrimination against meat eaters. But now, we carnivores are fighting back against anti-meat prejudice, with BOFU(TM) as our weapon!

How is BOFU(TM) made?

The actual recipe for BOFU(TM) is a closely-guarded trade secret. But you can rest assured that everything that goes into making BOFU is 100% pure USDA-certified beef. No vegetable products of any kind are used at any point in our manufacturing process. We take this promise seriously. Even the lubricants for our machinery are derived from beef tallow and other cow byproducts. When you eat a piece of BOFU(TM), you know that you are consuming 100% unadulterated dead animal flesh.

What does BOFU(TM) taste like?

Amazingly, BOFU(TM) tastes exactly like real tofu. You won't be able to tell the difference! Our company employs an expert panel of tofu-eating wussies who sample and test every batch of BOFU(TM) before it leaves our slaughterhouse. If they can tell the difference between our product and the real thing, the batch is rejected and destroyed. Beware of cheap imitation products like BOVASOY(TM) and COW FU(TM) that retain some of beef's texture and flavor. We know that if you want to taste beef, you'll order a steak. BOFU(TM) is for those who want all of the machismo and negative environmental impact of beef, but none of the flavor.

Maybe you've seen our commercials where we slip BOFU(TM) into dishes served to vegetarians, and then tell them what they've been eating. Those commercials are not staged! The shock and horror on their faces are real, as is the vomiting. But you'll notice that none of those herbivorous sissies vomit before they've been told, because none of them can tell the difference! Not even the vegans!

Does BOFU(TM) come in different levels of firmness?

Yes! By altering our manufacturing process slightly, we are able to duplicate the texture of any existing tofu product. Right now, BOFU(TM) comes in 4 varieties: silken, soft, medium, and firm. You use these varieties of BOFU(TM) exactly as you would use the different varieties of tofu

Do I need to adjust my recipes in any way when using BOFU(TM) instead of tofu?

No. Simply replace the tofu with an equal quantity of BOFU(TM). We promise you won't be able to tell the difference.

I love the idea of BOFU(TM)! Where can I get it?

Unfortunately, you can't, because I just made it up. But since BOFU(TM) tastes exactly like real tofu, you already know what it tastes like. Just imagine the bland texturelessness of tofu, enhanced by the spice of knowing that a large, friendly mammal died to give it to you.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Bofu Fan from Minneapolis said...

Zac,

I tried your Bofu(tm). You are right. It great, just like tofu!
I'm going to switch over and use only Bofu(tm) from now on.

5:09 PM, May 31, 2007  
Blogger Sarah said...

I don't know why, but as your vegetarian wife, I am only very mildly offended. This type of thing is why I find you charming and hilarious. Though the bit about vomiting was a little over the top.

7:20 AM, June 01, 2007  
Anonymous Mad Latinist said...

TOFU BRINGS MAGIC HAPPY

10:22 PM, June 05, 2007  
Blogger Zachary Drake said...

BOFU brings manly happy.

2:03 AM, June 06, 2007  
Blogger Zachary Drake said...

Make that:

BOFU(TM) brings manly happy

2:08 AM, June 06, 2007  

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